Welcome to First Things

“Over the last week there have been incidence's of what has become for me a mantra and a constant theme of my preaching. I believe that the gospels more than ever are calling us to strive towards civility as a Church and as individuals. I see us creeping toward it at best. Last week we as a nation did not even come close to being civil.
What is civility? According to Webster´s Dictionary civility is described as "good breeding; civil conduct, politeness; a polite act or expression."
One of the best bishops ever in the United States, in my opinion, was Cardinal Joseph Bernadin of Chicago. Here was a man who knew civility and dedicated his life to be an example of it. He began the Common Ground Project for the sole purpose of creating a climate where folks would at least listen to each other to try to come to a common understanding of each other or at least to agree to disagree.. .and still be able to speak to one another and live in peace with each other. He mainly organized it so that people and leaders within the Church could do that, much less society as a whole. Amazingly many including some of his brother bishops made fun of it or ignored the call of Common Ground. How sad! What are some signs of "incivility?" "Road Rage" is one. We never heard of the phrase until recently. We used to be more civil when we were behind the wheel of a car. Now the use of four letter words and profane gestures are so common most of us are not the least bit shocked at their use in public. Last week we saw many examples of it. How so? How about when President Obama addressed the Congress and the Representative from South Carolina yelled out, during the President´s speech, and called him a "liar." Even the Congress thought that to be bad conduct from one of their own. Or how about Serena Williams, the tennis star and a marvelous athlete, and her sad outburst toward the line official at the U.S. Open Tennis Matches at Flushing Meadows, New York. Not only was she out of line but her profane language in this public arena was "over the top" uncivil. She lost more than the match that day. She lost her reputation and her dignity. When one so emulated and "professional" is uncivil publicly one loses so much more than an argument.. .and so does the nation. And how about the Rap star, Kanye West, and his little tirade at the MTV Awards in New York angered that another singer (Taylor Swift) received the award instead of his choice (Beyonce)...not the first time this character has publicly shown his ignorance.. .and his incivility. And how about those so-called "Town Hall Meetings" conducted by members of Congress in their districts around the country regarding the Health Care debate and issues? The incivility at many of these meetings, the yelling and the screaming, the name-calling, has upset the very fabric of our nation´s principles and practices. A new message is being sent to the world.. .if you disagree with me you must be wrong and I will fight you to the end and worse, not allow you to speak or hold your opinion. We no longer can agree to disagree in a civil manner!!! This is not good!! Perhaps the most disturbing sign of incivility came last week when President Obama was set to address the nation´s school children on the value of staying in school and the importance of getting a good education. Your future depends upon your schooling. Other Presidents have addressed the nation´s school children. President Reagan and President George H. Bush both talked to the young people during their terms as President. However last week when President Obama tried to do the same thing partisan politics reared its ugly head along with a manufactured controversy and it interfered with our children´s opportunity to hear the President of the United States in the company of their classmates and teachers. A small percentage of parents called schools and school districts requesting that their children not listen to the President fearing that Obama would use the opportunity to "bully pulpit" our youth with his policies on health care or abortion. Even our own Catholic School Office requested that our Catholic Schools in the Archdiocese not show the President´s address to the children.... caving in to the demands of the few. Our own school of St. Peter received requests from three parents not to have their children see or hear the President´s message. And because of a small percentage of negative calls all the children of the Archdiocesan schools could not see or hear the President of the United States speech in a classroom setting. Wow! What message does that give to our youth! You don´t have to listen to the President or anyone else with whom you disagree. And what an opportunity missed! To say the least I respectfully and civilly disagree with Mr. George Henry, the Superintendent of the Catholic Schools in St. Louis and the Archbishop over that decision. Yes, parents have the right to choose whether their child views the address but how come a small minority was allowed to make that choice for the majority...or at least in St. Peter School? Wouldn´t it have been more appropriate for those parents simply to request that their children be excused from watching and listening to the President that day? I lump this with my cause for civility because 1 believe the above decision and manufactured controversy surrounding that Presidential address on education is yet another example of our nation and our people´s inability or unwillingness to hear each other, understand each other´s opinions and views and "agree to disagree" in a civil way. There is so much fear and distrust of each other both in the political and the ecclesiastical arenas today we can no longer even listen to one another and try to find Cardinal Bernadin´s "Common Ground." Instead we react with rage, yelling and screaming at each other to make our point and put the other down thus failing to treat one another with reverence and respect.”
THANK YOU MONSIGNOR JACK !

EMPOWERING SCHOOL STAFF, STUDENTS AND PARENTS WITH TECHNOLOGY

Cyberbullying: Recognizing the Signs and Reporting the Problem
“The use of Internet technology, including cell phone text messaging, for the use of threatening and harassing others has become an increasing problem among school-age youth, according to Lt. Joe Laramie, Director of the Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force of Missouri.
"The technology allows instant communication, and often communication without deliberation," says Laramie. "Because the messages are not spoken face to face, it can promote bravery and create a feeling of anonymity. Often the impact of cyberbullying, compared to the spoken word, can be more hurtful because of the feeling of permanency." Some of the warning signs that may surface from children who have become victims of cyberbullying are:”

• Change in personality
• Change in or loss of friends
• Drop in grades
• Becoming more secretive
• Increased isolation

“If parents or other responsible adults become aware of that their child is being victimized online through email, chat rooms, social networking sites like Facebook.com or MySpace.com, or through text messaging on cell phones, Lt. Laramie says they should give the following advice to their child;”

• DO NOT RESPOND TO THE MESSAGE. A response will escalate the situation. If you don't respond, the sender will not know you got the message.
• Do not forward the message.
• Do not encourage others to do it.
• Stand united against it.
• Report the message to your school or police, based upon "Intent and Content" of the message. This includes harassing, derogatory or embarrassing statements, serious threats and/or repeated threats.
• Save the evidence.
• Report the cyberbullying online at: abuse@(internet service provider-ISP-).com or www.cvbertipline.com. Parents can help protect their children online by reminding them that they should protect their name, identity and reputation.

“Remind them what they post online about themselves, including photos or other images, can impact their future. This information can easily be copied or altered.
"Once information is on the Internet, it is no longer private and you no longer own it," says Laramie. For more information about cyberbullying and how to keep safe on the World Wide Web, check out the following websites: www.inobtr.org. www.netsmartz.org. www.ikeepsafe.org. www.digizen.org.”

“Lt. Joe Laramie, Director of the Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force of Missouri has spoken to most school staffs in the Saint Louis area and spoke to a small group at St. Peter Parish School Cafeteria on April 23. He may be contacted through the website, www.icacmo.org. See also the Resource Page of this website in the FAMILY section of the page.”

“Okay, I'll admit it: I am twenty-two years old and still a virgin. Not for lack of opportunity, my vanity hastens to add. Had I ever felt unduly burdened by my unfashionable innocence, I could have found someone to attend to the problem. But I never did. Our mainstream culture tells me that some oppressive force must be the cause of my late-in-life virginity, maybe an inordinate fear of men or God or getting caught. Perhaps it's right, since I can pinpoint a number of influences that have persuaded me to remain a virgin. My mother taught me that self-respect requires self-control, and my father taught me to demand the same from men. I'm enough of a country bumpkin to suspect that contraceptives might not be enough to prevent an unwanted pregnancy or disease, and I think that abortion is killing a baby. I buy into all that Christian doctrine of law and promise, which means that the stuffy old commandments are still binding on my conscience. And I'm even naive enough to believe in permanent, exclusive, divinely ordained love between a man and a woman, a love so valuable that it motivates me to keep my legs tightly crossed in the most tempting of situations.

In spite of all this, I still think of myself as something of a feminist, since virginity has the result of creating respect for and upholding the value of the woman so inclined. But I have discovered that the reigning feminism of today has little use for it. There was a time when I was foolish enough to look for literature among women's publications that might offer support in my very personal decision. (It's all about choice, after all, isn't it?) The dearth of information on virginity might lead one to believe that it's a taboo subject. However, I was fortunate enough to discover a short article on it in that revered tome of feminism. Our Bodies, Ourselves. The most recent edition of the book has a more positive attitude than the edition before it, in that it acknowledges virginity as a legitimate choice and not just a by-product of patriarchy. Still, in less than a page, it presumes to cover the whole range of emotion and experience involved in virginity, which, it seems, consists simply in the notion that a woman should wait until she's really ready to express her sexuality. That's all there is to say about it. Apparently, sexual expression takes place only in and after the act of genital intercourse. Anything subtler-like a feminine love of cooking or tendency to cry at the movies or insuppressible maternal instinct or cultivation of a wardrobe that will turn heads or even a passionate goodnight kiss is deemed an inadequate demonstration of sexual identity. The unspoken message of Our Bodies, Ourselves is clear enough: as long as a woman is a virgin, she remains completely asexual.

Surprisingly, this attitude has infiltrated the thinking of many women my age, who should still be new enough in the web of lies called adulthood to know better. One of my most vivid college memories is of a conversation with a good friend about my (to her) bizarre aberration of virginity. She and another pal had been delving into the gruesome specifics of their past sexual encounters. Finally, after some time, my friend suddenly exclaimed to me, "How do you do it?"

A little taken aback, I said, "Do what?"

"You know," she answered, a little reluctant, perhaps, to use the big bad V-word. "You still haven't... slept with anybody. How do you do it? Don't you want to?"

The question intrigued me, because it was so utterly beside the point. Of course I want to - what a strange question - but merely wanting to is hardly a proper guide for moral conduct. I assured my concerned friend that my libido was still in proper working order, but then I had to come up with a good reason why I had been paying attention to my inhibitions for all these years. I offered the usual reasons-emotional and physical health, religious convictions, “saving myself till marriage - but nothing convinced her” until I said, "I guess I don't know what I'm missing." She was satisfied with that and ended the conversation.

In one sense, sure, I don't know what I'm missing. And it is common enough among those who do know what they're missing to go to great lengths to insure that they don't miss it for very long. In another sense, though, I could list a lot of things that I do know I'm missing: hurt, betrayal, anxiety, self-deception, fear, suspicion, anger, confusion, and the horror of having been used. And those are only the emotional aspects; there is also disease, unwanted pregnancy, and abortion. As if to prove my case from the other side, my friend suffered a traumatic betrayal within a month or two of our conversation. It turned out that the man involved would gladly sleep with her, but refused to have a "real relationship" - a sad reality she discovered only after the fact.

According to received feminist wisdom, sexuality is to be understood through the twin concepts of power and choice. It's not a matter of anything so banally biological as producing children, or even the more elevated notion of creating intimacy and trust. Sometimes it seems like sex isn't even supposed to be fun. The purpose of female sexuality is to assert power over hapless men, for control, revenge, self-centered pleasure, or forcing a commitment. A woman who declines to express herself in sexual activity, then, has fallen prey to a male-dominated society that wishes to prevent women from becoming powerful. By contrast, it is said, a woman who does become sexually active discovers her power over men and exercises it, supposedly to her personal enhancement.

This is an absurd lie. That kind of gender-war sexuality results only in pyrrhic victories. It's a set-up for disaster, especially for women. Men aren't the ones who get pregnant. And who ever heard of a man purchasing a glossy magazine to learn the secret of snagging a wife? Sacrifice and the relinquishing of power are natural to women - ask any mom - and they are also the secret of feminine appeal. The pretense that aggression and power-mongering are the only options for female sexual success has opened the door to predatory men. The imbalance of power becomes greater than ever in a culture of easy access.

Against this system of mutual exploitation stands the more compelling alternative of virginity. It escapes the ruthless cycle of winning and losing because it refuses to play the game. The promiscuous of both sexes will take their cheap shots at one another, disguising infidelity and selfishness as freedom and independence, and blaming the aftermath on one another. But no one can claim control over a virgin. Virginity is not a matter of asserting power in order to manipulate. It is a refusal to exploit or be exploited. That is real, and responsible, power.

But there is more to it than mere escape. There is an undeniable appeal in virginity, something that eludes the resentful feminist's contemptuous label of "prude." A virgin woman is an unattainable object of desire, and it is precisely her unattainability that increases her desirability. Feminism has told a lie in defense of its own promiscuity, namely that there is no sexual power to be found in virginity. On the contrary, virgin sexuality has extraordinary and unusual power. There's no second-guessing a virgin's motives: her strength comes from a source beyond her transitory whims. It is sexuality dedicated to hope, to the future, to marital love, to children, and to God. Her virginity is, at the same time, a statement of her mature independence from men. It allows a woman to become a whole person in her own right, without needing a man either to revolt against or to complete what she lacks. It is very simple, really: no matter how wonderful, charming, handsome, intelligent, thoughtful, rich, or persuasive he is, he simply cannot have her. A virgin is perfectly unpossessable. Of course, there have been some women who have attempted to claim this independence from men by turning in on themselves and opting for lesbian sexuality instead. But this is just another, perhaps deeper, rejection of their femaleness. The sexes rightly define themselves in their otherness. Lesbianism squelches the design of otherness by drowning womanhood in a sea of sameness, and in the process loses any concept of what makes the female feminine. Virginity upholds simply and honestly that which is valuable in and unique to women.

The corollary of power is choice. Again, the feminist assumes that sexually powerful women will be able to choose their own fates. And again, it is a lie. No one can engage in extramarital sex and then control it. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the moral nightmare of our society's breakdown since the sexual revolution. Some time ago I saw on TV the introduction of the ground breaking new "female condom." A spokeswoman at the press conference celebrating its grand opening declared joyously the new freedom that it gave to women. "Now women have more bargaining power," she said. "If a man says that he refuses to wear a condom, the woman can counter, fine, I will!" I was dumbstruck by her enthusiasm for the dynamics of the new situation. Why on earth would two people harboring so much animosity towards each other contemplate a sexual encounter? What an appealing choice they have been given the freedom to make?

The dark reality, of course, is that it is not free choice at all when women must convince men to love them and must convince themselves that they're more than just "used goods." There are so many young women I have known for whom freely chosen sexual activity means a brief moment of pleasure - if that - followed by the unchosen side effects of paralyzing uncertainty, anger at the man involved, and finally a deep self-hatred that is impenetrable by feminist analysis. So-called sexual freedom is really just proclaiming oneself to be available for free, and therefore without value. To "choose" such freedom is tantamount to saying that one is worth nothing.

Admittedly, there are some who say that sex isn't nearly so serious or important, but just another recreational activity not substantially different from ping-pong. I don't believe it for a second. I learned most meaningfully from another woman the destructive force of sexuality out of control when I myself was under considerable pressure to cave in to a man's sexual demands. I discussed the prospect with this friend, and after some time she finally said to me, "Don't do it. So far in life you've made all the right choices and I've made all the wrong ones. I care enough about you that I don't want to see you end up like me." Naturally, that made up my mind. Sex does matter, it matters a lot; and I can only hope that those who deny it will wake up to their error before they damage themselves even more.

It is appalling that feminism has propagated lies so destructive to women. It has created the illusion that there is no room for self-discovery outside of sexual behavior. Not only is this a grotesque lie, but it is also an utterly boring one. Aside from its implied dismissal of all the world's many riches outside the sexual domain, this false concept has placed stultifying limitations on the range of human relationships. We're told that friendships between men and women are just a cover until they leap into the sack together. While romance is a natural and commendable expression of love between women and men, it is simply not the only option. And in our sexually competitive climate, even romantic love barely deserves the title. Virginity among those seeking marital love would go far to improve the latter's solidity and permanence, creating an atmosphere of honesty and discovery before the equally necessary and longed-for consummation. Where feminism sees freedom from men by placing body parts at their disposal in a bizarre game of self-deception, virginity recognizes the equally vulnerable though often overlooked state of men's own hearts and seeks a way to love them for real.

It is puzzling and disturbing to me that regnant feminism has never acknowledged the empowering value of virginity. I tend to think that much of the feminist agenda is more invested in the culture of groundless autonomy and sexual Darwinism than it is in genuinely uplifting women. Of course, virginity is a battle against sexual temptation, and popular culture always opts for the easy way out instead of the character-building struggle. The result is superficial women formed by meaningless choices, worthy of stereotype, rather than laudable women of character, worthy of respect Perhaps virginity seems a bit cold, even haughty and heartless. But virginity hardly has a claim on those defects, if it has any claim at all. Promiscuity offers a significantly worse fate. I have a very dear friend who, sadly, is more worldly-wise than I am. By libertine feminist standards she ought to be proud of her conquests and ready for more, but frequently she isn't. The most telling insight about the shambles of her heart came to me once in a phone conversation when we were speculating about our futures. Generally they are filled with exotic travel and adventure and PhDs. This time, however, they were not. She admitted to me that what she really wanted was to be living on a farm in rural Connecticut, raising a horde of children and embroidering tea towels. It is a lovely dream, defiantly unambitious and domestic. But her short, failed sexual relationships haven't taken her any closer to her dream and have left her little hope that she'll ever attain it. I must be honest here: virginity hasn't landed me on a farm in rural Connecticut either. Sexual innocence is not a guarantee against heartbreak. But there is a crucial difference: I haven't lost a part of myself to someone who has subsequently spurned it, rejected it, and perhaps never cared for it at all.

I sincerely hope that virginity will not be a lifetime project for me. Quite the contrary, my subversive commitment to virginity serves as preparation for another commitment, for loving one man completely and exclusively. Admittedly, there is a minor frustration in my love: I haven't met the man yet (at least, not to my knowledge). But hope, which does not disappoint, sustains me.”

Ten Commandments For Welcoming People With Disabilities

Ten Commandments for Welcoming People with Disabilities to St. Peter Church...

“According to the Archdiocesan Office of Disabilities St. Peter Church is probably one of the most accommodating spaces for folks with: disabilities. With the recent renovations to our church/school now completed much care was taken to assure accessibility to our worship; space and school facilities for all God's people. Many who have disabilities now feel comfortable with the physical arrangement of St. Peter Church but do they feel welcome to our parish and our church on a typical Sunday morning? Have you ever felt nervous about speaking to someone in a wheelchair? Have you avoided communicating with a person who cannot hear I because you thought you wouldn't know how? Is there an awkwardness when a person with disabilities approaches us? It's not unusual to have questions or doubts about interacting with people who have disabilities or different degrees of ability. But it's important that we overcome this uneasiness in order to practice the kind of hospitality that our sharing in the Eucharist requires. Here are ten tips for welcoming and interacting with folks with disabilities, culled from their own experiences. These are from National Catholic Office for Persons with Disabilities. I thought it might be helpful.. they were for me when I read them and I pass them on to you. Christ called all people to follow the gospel and welcomed all to gather around the table. As Christ's Church, we promise to practice here these simple ways of welcome and inclusion. We realize that all baptized people belong here equally, so by taking these steps we do not seek i to patronize persons with disabilities. Instead, we wish to practice gospel hospitality with each other, and especially with visitors from other communities and those who may be inquiring into joining our church.

1. Treat the person with a disability as you would anyone else. Relax when communicating. Rely on natural courtesy, consideration, and common sense. Avoid getting flustered or irritated if misunderstandings arise. Repeat yourself if you sense misunderstanding, or ask a person to repeat himself or herself if you do not comprehend.
2. Address the individual, not an assistant, interpreter, or family member.
3. Treat adults with disabilities as adults, rather than as children, regardless of the disability.
4. Speak at a normal rate, without exaggeration or overemphasis.
5. Do not be afraid to ask questions about the person's disability.
To facilitate communication, have pads of paper and pencils available in all meeting rooms and other gathering places on parish property. Use them when helpful.
7. Allow people to do things for themselves when they want to, even if it takes longer or results in mistakes. Do not always "do for" the person.
8. Offer assistance, but do not impose if help is not desired.
9. During all gatherings or meetings, allow time to attend to personal needs and rest. Please be patient.
10. Respect the individual's personal space and auxiliary aids. Do not: lean against or push a wheelchair; pet a service animal in harness; grab an arm or hand when attempting to guide; move wheelchairs, crutches, white canes, or other assistive devices out of reach of the person who uses them.

Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors How Can I Make a Difference?

Part II On Welcoming Folks with Disabilities.....

“People with disabilities creatively address their needs and serve society in many ways, and they often desire a greater opportunity to be involved in religious activities. There are many things that you, as an individual, can do to help people with disabilities participate fully in the liturgy, devotions and prayers of our parish.”

1. I will speak directly to the person with a disability or difference, not only to the nearby companion, family member, interpreter, or canine companion.
2. I will offer to shake hands when introduced to a person with a disability (persons with limited hand use or who wear an artificial limb usually can shake hands. Shaking the left hand is acceptable, too).
3. I will place myself in a chair at eye level for easy conversation with a person using a wheelchair or walker.
4. I will offer assistance and wait until the offer is accepted. I will wait for instructions but not insist.
5. I will give my whole, unhurried attention to a person who has difficulty speaking rather than speaking for the person. I may help by asking short questions that require short answers, a nod or a shake of the head, or a written answer.
6. I will encourage a person with a disability to serve, to distribute Communion, to greet people at the door, take up the collection, to bear the gifts, to proclaim the scriptures, to sing in the choir or lead the singing - according to the individual's gifts and talents.
7. I will treat adults with developmental disabilities as adults, not as children. I will use first names only when using the same familiarity for all persons.
8. I will get the attention of someone who is hearing-impaired by lightly tapping their elbow or shoulder, or by waving my hand. I will look directly at the person and speak clearly, slowly and expressively to establish if the person can read my lips.
9. I will offer to read the weekly bulletin to a person who is blind.
10. I will guide a person with visual impairments by giving visual clues to steep steps, curbs, doors and escalators. I will first identify myself.

Dear Parents,
This past school year the Right S.T.A.R.T. teachers found a very disturbing trend among the students that we taught. To be blunt, pornography is becoming an increasing problem due to our changing world of internet, cable, videos* and mass media. With the summer, (and unmonitored free time) quickly approaching we want to share some information on this subject for you to share with your sons and, in some cases, daughters. First, make sure you know how to check the history of what websites your children are using. The history icon is usually in the top row, although sometimes it is hidden and you need to press on an arrow to get to it. It looks like: [History Icon].
Below is a compilation of thoughts from experts. All of the complete articles were given to the principals and the resources are given in the text.
First, Dr. Robert Furey in the March 5 St. Louis Review wrote: "Pornography is out of control in the United States... .The damage done to teens and pre-teens by exposing them to pornography can be severe and lasting." Healthy sexual development occurs over time ...Gradual exposure allows him to digest and process what he is learning. When a young person is flooded with sexual material, however, this balance can be lost....The symptoms that emerge after a young person is exposed to pornography are in some ways, similar to those that surface after sexual abuse....Among the other possible consequences of early exposure to pornography are feelings of fear and/or disgust toward sexuality. In this case, a young person may come to feel ashamed of his own emerging sexuality. Nothing good comes from exposing young people to pornography.”

1. “Pornography substitutes fantasy for reality....There is no relationship, the person displayed becomes an object, a thing, used to satisfy the viewer's desires... She is not a real woman with desires, wishes, preferences, opinions, ideas, thoughts, feelings-she is always just an object....Any sexual arousal that results is outside the context of a committed relationship.”
2. “Pornography affects how we view our sexuality. What enters our minds affects the way we think. Men, if we spend hours looking at naked women/it is difficult to look at real women and not wonder what they look like without clothes... .Instead of seeing sex as the intimate union of husband and wife-a physical sign of the self-giving love they share-pornography presents sex as arousal and self-gratification. Pornography always switches the sexual focus from the other to oneself.” (A "me" activity instead of a "we" commitment)
3. “Pornography is addictive. Pornography and its accompanying arousal are like eating hot sauce. If we use a mild hot sauce regularly, we will eventually get so used to it that it no longer has the same ability to flavor our food as before. So we will use a hotter sauce until we become used to it. Then we will move on to an even hotter one. Pornography has the same effect, What was arousing yesterday is not today, and the viewer needs more of it or something different... Viewing does not satisfy the appetite, but increases it.”
4. “Pornography exploits sexuality for the purpose of profit. It especially exploits the women who are photographed; their bodies and sexual vulnerability are turned from a gift for their spouse into a commercial product. Exploitation exists even if someone agrees to pose. All women are exploited by it because it presents an image of physical-sexual-beauty and perfection. Women do not need another reason to focus on their bodies and worry about their appearance.”
5. “The use of pornography is often coupled with the practice of masturbation, which also leads to a devaluing of our sexuality. Instead of a self-giving love as the foundation for sexual activity, self-seeking arousal and pleasure become the drives. As such, pornography destroys our ability to have intense, passionate sex.”

1. “The essence of manhood consists in readiness to deny oneself for the good of a beloved.”
2. “It denies the woman her dignity in order to satisfy his lust...Wouldn't it infuriate you if a guy looked at your daughter in the same way he looked at pornography?”
3. “For the person who indulges in porn, the purpose of sex becomes the satisfaction of the erotic 'needs,' not the communication of life and love. Porn drives a man to value a woman only for what she gives him rather than for the person she is.... (Also) his fantasies will have robbed him of the ability to be truly intimate with his wife.”
4. “We owe it to God to honor the Lord in all our actions and thoughts. To lust after his daughter is a grave sin.”

Jason also adds some interesting statistics to show that “When men learn their 'love' from videos and magazines, they accept the idea that a woman's 'no' is actually a 'yes' and that she enjoys being used.”
In Oklahoma City, “When 150 sexually oriented businesses were closed, the rate of rape decreased 27% in five years, while the rate in the rest of the country increased 19%. In Phoenix, Arizona, neighborhoods with porn outlets had 500% more sex offenses than neighborhoods without them.”
Therefore parents, we have a moral obligation to our sons and daughters to monitor where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Summer is a wonderful time to relax, play, and become rejuvenated, but we also need to be mindful of too much "free time" for all of our youth.
May God Bless each of you and your families!

“All tribal naming ceremonies are impressive. They are impressive for their expression of love from the tribe and from the family. They are impressive for showing the responsibility of being of service to the circle of the tribe and of family.
Here's part of my story:
I hurried one afternoon to the bedside of a girl, 19 years old, dying of pneumonia. She had been with her parents in the Red River Valley working in the potato fields. I prayed over her, blessed her, and visited with her parents. They were Mr. and Mrs. Charlie Cree. They stood praying, helpless in the darkening room.
When the sun had set, I had to leave.
Next morning, early, I came in the back door. The doctor met me, "What in the ¨ did you do to that girl? She's going to be OK."
A year later, after he had made the right preparation, the father came up to the mission and knocked. “Father, I'd like to have a ceremony for you.” I was grateful. “When you finish your Masses on Sunday, you come to the powwow grounds. We'll all be ready.” Other families were having ceremonies.
The prayer leader at a ceremony names the personality, or the character, of the person. He prays and declares how the person is ready to serve the people. He said that I was "The Eagle That Blesses."
Months later on my rounds with my partner Sister Susan, we stopped at the girl's old home. She had married. She lived some distance away.
As we talked at the kitchen table a mood came over the father, I signaled to Sister, "Sssh. He's got something to say." He raised his hand solemnly. “Father, when I was a little boy I got that sickness that we got from white people. Whenever we got that sickness we always died. I was hot, and then I was cold. I was shivering, then I was sweating. I wanted to go to where the good people are. They always told me that where the good people are there are lots of nice things. Lots of kids, lots of ponies, lots of choke cherries, lot of pecans, lots of other good things and lots of fun, they say. So I wanted to go.”
“But my mother wouldn't let me go. She kept telling me, 'you can't go, my boy, we need you. You stay there. I'm going to get auntie.'
“Father, auntie could cure anything. And, when she came, she got down on the floor with me and made me take off my shirt, and she started rubbing me, and rubbing me, and rubbing me. That felt good, but I still wanted to go where the good people are.” Then she quit, and she sat back on her heels. She told me, ‘Now you are well. You're going to live a long time, and you will be a prayer leader. You will do good things and your name now is "The Eagle That Blesses"’.
She told me, “If you are a leader, here are four things that you've got to do: first, always listen. When you listen, you'll hear God talking to you in the clouds and in the trees and in the animals and telling you what to do. Then, be humble. It's only the humble one who can hear God and take Him in. The proud one, No, he can't do that. Next, you must be forgiving. Never try to get even. If you try to get even, you get down, and that's no good. Next, you have to be generous. If you can't give it away, that means that it ain't yours. You don't even have it.”
"O yes," she said, “There's one more thing. That's a strong name you've got. Don't let that name die. One day you will die, but don't let that name die. Look around you, before you die, and give that name to some body else who can carry it.”
“And you know what, Father? Lately I don't feel too good”, and I told my wife that. She looked at me and she said, “You know what you got to do, old man. Don't let that name die. Give that name to Father Stan. He'll keep it for you.”
“And so, Father, that's what I did and why I had that ceremony for you.”
Be silent, be humble, be forgiving, and be generous. Would those ways of living be good for all leaders, do you think?”

The VIRTUS Program (PGC) is designed to help teach adults how to create a safe environment for children in order to protect them from child sexual abuse. Though not established in the Archdiocese of St. Louis, it is getting started in many other dioceses in the United States. It is a valuable resource that is available. Parish volunteers are required to attend training required to facilitate this program. Information about the program can be found on it's website: www.virtusonline.com.

St. Peter Parish of Kirkwood
Welcomes men of the Church to the Men´s Group

• How frequently do we pray?
• Do we experience dryness in our prayer?
• Have we had our prayers answered?
• What are our traditions when it comes to Catholic prayer?

At the February 21st Men´s Group meeting, we´ll reflect on the Gospel readings for the day as well as use the new Compendium of the Catechism as we discuss "Christian Prayer". Please join us (the coffee´s always on): All men of the parish are welcome.

Schedule as follows: 7:15 am Discussion; 8:15 am Mass

SKILLS FOR A LIFETIME

Susan Edwards is a PAIRS trained leader and a psychotherapist, now the director of the Archdiocesan Family Life Office in St. Louis. Her husband, Robert, has shared in presenting the course which requires seven week ends PAIRS requires 120 hours of class work to obtain certification.

PAIRS is a program which teaches 47 skills - change-oriented, concentrating on what is positive as opposed to focusing on what is wrong.

Presentation is to build skills and the tools to develop skill with.
This is beyond the survival needs needed for ourselves.
We have one need: bonding, which must be accomplished with another and requires:

1. Physical closeness and
2. Emotional openness.

Depression and other pathology occur when this primary need is not met. We need a spiritual, emotional and physical context for our relationship.

This couple addressed three tools needed to develop some of the 47 skills. This to demonstrate the effectiveness of this program:

1. The DTR;
2. Stress Styles;
3. Emptying the Jug;

They concluded with the statement:
“There is no such thing as a worthless marriage as it can be a good example of a bad marriage.”

I. The DAILY TEMPERATURE READING-DTR

Knee to knee holding hands we review in five minutes
five positive steps. An individual spouse must ask permission,
couple must set time and time limit and this always presumes
"good will" - it is not an effort to hurt each other
but is a process in determining "how to be aware of the good."
“Good will can make a relationship grow.
A Nurturing Partnership Can Win”

A N P C W - Five positive steps:
(Having negotiated who would be first,
the following points are used by first one
and then the other one step at a time.)

1. Appreciation - “I appreciate...” (vocalize an appreciation) Thank the responder for each.
2. Nurturing - “I need to tell you that ...” (new information) Thank the responder for each.
3. Puzzles - “I question or wonder about...” (whatever it is than I am questioning) The response is either "yes" or "no".
4. Complaint - “I notice (a behavior) and would prefer...” A request for change. Recognize what they are - there are about 8 knotty problems that never get changed. This keeps things from building up. (Can be sticky - DO NOT SKIP or excuse oneself even if you would prefer not to bring it up; when something sticky comes up a couple can agree to deal with it in two hours or tomorrow if it is really loaded.)
5. Wishes, hopes and dreams; “I wish.. .hope.. .dream....”
6. Exchange a sign of affection

In addressing the degree of difficulty remember
to express appreciation to each other - remembering
that we do this together. An introvert/shy person may
want to write out beforehand. Remember this tool
may be done over the phone, email or in person etc.
These are 'confiding skills' in which both sit or stand
- be on the same level.

There is no right way or wrong way but
THERE IS AN IDEAL WAY! "WE WANT THE RELATIONSHIP TO WIN!"
'Don't sweat the small stuff!'

There is a real spontaneity within the box of the skill.
It can be considered "prescribed nagging" without the rancor.
ONCE A DAY - This is a skill of the heart.
(This material is based on Virginia Satir's family systems and individual value...dignity of the person.)

II. STRESS STYLES - BE AWARE OF FOUR BASIC STYLES:

1. Blamer - projects responsibility on other or object;
2. Computer - goes into their head - rationalizes solution;
3. Distracter - changes subject - remains in denial;
4. Pleaser - agrees to anything just to get peace now.

We have a favorite - one which in severe heat will manifest itself most forcefully.
There is a hierarchy in the order of use for each person.

1. The blamer is capable of speaking on it's behalf -
2. Computer basic strength is wanting to find a solution;
3. Distracter may be a great ice breaker;
4. Pleaser wants to make peace.

III. EMPTYING THE JUG

Very useful before leaving on a vacation, before the holidays;
144-150 emotions fit into FOUR categories: MAD, SAD, SCARED, GLAD

We need to recognize these regularly and accept that they play an important part in our lives. All go together and we need to feel/recognize each one.

The exercise: face to face holding hands - agree upon who will go first - the other asks then: “What are you (m s s g) about?” (mad, sad, scared, glad) The questioning continues in relation to the ease with which the responses are given...when spent the questioner asks:
“What one more thing are you (m s s g) about?”

IN CONCLUSION:

In these exercises we don't take it out on each other no matter how bad it is.

No matter how bad it is we have something to learn and get something out of it. "Put God first and make marriage last !"

God fills in the voids. Recognize the power that comes within the box of commitment and that everything does not depend on me or you. We each have a partner in this relationship which is to be the sign of His presence of love in our lives.

YOU CAN DO A DTR WITH GOD.

In 2005 the "Marriage Day of Renewal" was February 13th,
For information about other events and resources contact:
National Shrine of Our Lady of the Snows - www.snows .org
442 South De Mazenod, Belleville, IL 62223-1094
618.394.6205 - Conference Coordinator: June McGeehon,
jmcgeehon@oblatesusa.org - 314.241.3400 ex 6205

Smart Marriages, A Wonderful Resource for Couples
Pairs: How to bond with the Wings

Recapture the magic as marriage matures

Post Dispatch Article March 2005

After 30 years of marriage and raising a family, my husband and I still have what we consider a good marriage. However, after years of focusing on the needs of our children, we both feel it's time to focus on "us." We want, to recapture the warmth and magic that was such a big part of our lives. Are there any reputable retreats, groups, books or anything at all that could help us?
Congratulations! A good marriage after 30-years means you are doing a lot right! Also, looking to continue to enrich your marriage is one of the important things that "thriving" couples do.
There are many things couples can do to increase the warmth and even the "magic." A wonderful resource for information is at www.smartmarriages.com. This Web site tells people about educational workshops and seminars across the country.
Here in St. Louis, my husband, Bill, and I teach the 120- hour PAIRS course (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). It is designed for individuals and couples: This extensive course teaches everything you ever wanted to know about how to have a loving, passionate and intimate relationship.
PAIRS teaches people how to bond, that is to be emotionally open and physically close. It covers communication skills and conflict regulation (how to fight fairly) . “We explore what gets in the way of getting our needs met, working to release past wounds by taking responsibility now. PAIRS also includes exploring personality differences, how to increase sensual and sexual pleasure, how to negotiate so both partners win, and how to deal with grief and loss.”
The PAIRS course includes information from many sources, including some of the latest books by numerous relationship experts.
Bill and I have a Web site at www.relationshipwings.com for more information. Class schedules are listed. It is never too late to grow!”

A Father's Reflections by James B. Stenson

• Are my children aware how much I affectionately love and honor their mother? What do they witness and hear from me in family life that drives this lesson home?
• Am I careful to respect my wife's judgment and take her opinions seriously, especially in matters about our children's welfare?
• What do I need to do, or change, to live stronger unity with my wife in our dealings with the children? Am I careful to check with her before giving an OK to our children's requests? Do the kids realize that I will never let them come between me and her?
• Am I careful never to undercut my wife's authority in front of the kids?
• Do I hold up my end of our agreement never to quarrel heatedly in the children's presence? Do the kids see us reconcile after any impulsive argument that comes between us?
• How often do my wife and I talk about the children's growth in character, and what we need to do together about it?
• What do I do to give my wife a rest, a break, a chance for well earned recreation? What gets in the way of making this happen more often?
• Do I maintain a clear strategic vision of my children's growth into responsible, competent, confident adulthood? Do I see my children as adults-in-the-making?
• Am I working to turn them into competent other-directed adults?
• Do I often think of my children as married men and women with family responsibilities of their own? Do I see my job as fundamentally preparing them to enjoy stable, happy marriages and to raise their children right?
• What strengths of character should my sons have developed to become successful husbands, fathers, and professionals-whatever they do for a living?
• What character strengths should my daughters have acquired to manage family and career responsibilities well, so they're as great as their mother?
• >What strengths of judgment and conscience should my children have about dealings with the opposite sex when they're adolescents and young adults?
• What should they look for in a potential spouse, and what should they be warned to avoid?
• >What misfortunes, and even tragedies, can befall my children if I fail to strengthen their judgment, conscience, sense of responsibility, personal toughness, and self-control?
• What could happen to them and their marriages and careers if they remain just as they are now, with all their immature faults and childish selfishness?
• If my kids must face a severe economic downturn in their lifetimes, will they have the guts and savvy and religious strength to provide for themselves and their families?
• Am I working to acquaint my children with a fact of life: that we must work as well as play, that a life of productive work is normal, enriching, and deeply satisfying?
• Am I raising my children to see work as a challenging, sport-like adventure, a direction for our powers that brings out the best in us?
• How much do my children know about my life of work? What do I tell them?
• How can I better teach them what I do for a living?
• Can I take some work home with me, or bring them to the workplace more often, even on weekends?
• Do I give the kids responsibilities at home, tasks by which they can serve the family even in small ways?
• Do I direct and encourage them in their efforts and show how proud I am of them for trying their best?
• Do I make my older children wait for consumer things they want, and if possible earn them?
• Am I striving to teach my older children the value of money-how responsible adults earn it honestly, save it prudently, spend it wisely, and give it generously?
• When I must correct my children strongly, am I careful to practice "affectionate assertiveness"?
• That is, do I make sure the kids understand that I'm correcting the fault, not the person-that I correct them because I love them?
• Am I careful to correct my children personally and privately whenever possible? And am I quick to accept their apologies affectionately, to give them a fresh start?
• Do I lead my children to apologize when they have offended anyone, and to accept the apologies of others?
• Do my children understand the meanings of the terms integrity, honor, commitment, competence, deadline, courage, forgiveness, compassionate understanding?
• I teach my children how much courage it takes to live rightly - to stick with a tough job, to control impulses, to bounce back from setbacks and disappointments, to tell the truth, to keep promises, and to apologize?
• Do I show how proud I am as a father when they live this way?
• Do I make sure that rules in our home begin with the word "We..."? That is, do I strive as a leader to live by the same standards that I set for my children, so they'll never think of me as a hypocrite?
• Do I enforce a solid rule of the house: no squabbling at the table? Do I insist that the children practice good manners? Do they habitually say please, thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry in family life, especially with their mother?
• Am I conscientious about giving good example here?
• Who are my children's heroes? Whom do they admire?
• If they think too highly of entertainment figures, is this a sign of too much TV and entertainment in their lives?
• How much time do my children waste watching useless programs?
• >What constructive activities could they be doing instead?
• Are my kids forming a habit of not watching TV.?
• At what age should each of my children start (a) getting themselves up in the morning with their own alarm clock, (b) making their own beds, (c) working an 8-hour day (that is, classwork + sports + homework = 8 hours of work)?
• Do I make the time to chat with each of my children personally, listening to them carefully, learning what's going on in their growing minds?
• Do they realize how much I care about them and their thinking?
• Do I help them to think problems through, leading them to learn from their mistakes and to think ahead next time?
• Do I try to make eye contact with them and otherwise show my affection patting them on the head, squeezing their shoulders and arms, giving them a quick kiss good-bye, or tucking them into bed?
• Are my kids showing signs of physical softness? Are they in good shape?
• And do they have good eating and exercise habits that will keep them that way for years?
• If my children are overweight by the time they're in college, how can this adversely affect their self-esteem and social lives?
• How could obesity damage their careers?
• Do I make the time to play sports and games with the kids, and to watch them play team sports? Do I help them enjoy sports and avoid the "win at all costs" mentality?
• Do I encourage the children to take up hobbies and to read worthwhile books?
• Do I talk with them about what they're doing and learning?
• Do I check the children's homework as often as possible?
• Do I use this time to teach the children lessons of perseverance in work and high standards of performance?
• Do I help them learn from mistakes?
• Do I show my pride in their growing competence?
• When I think about their schoolwork and home chores, do I pay special attention to how they work -their promptness and concentration, their thoroughness, their time management (self-control), their attitudes of healthy pride in accomplishment?
• As my children approach and enter adolescence - when they increasingly pay attention to their father - do I make myself more available than ever before?
• Do I think of them, and treat them, as near-adults?
• Do I talk more with them about courtship, marriage, career choice, standards of professionalism, and business savvy?
• Do I realize I'm coming down the home stretch, that I have only a few more years with them at home to finish their growth into maturity?
• Do I remind myself from time to time that I have only one chance to raise my children right-and that this mission is my greatest accomplishment in life, the measure by which I stand or fall as a man?

- Apostleship of Prayer
- Archdiocese of St. Louis
- The Catholic Internet Yellow Pages
- Catholic Men's Groups of Cincinnati
- Catholic News Service
- Catholic Online
- Catholic Relief Services
- Catholic USA links to 6000 Catholic Websites
- Center For Liturgy, St. Louis University
- Creighton's Cyber Retreat
- Global Catholic Network, EWTN
- Mass Times, Nationwide listing of Mass Times and Locations
- Missouri Catholic Conference
- National Catholic Council of Bishops
- National Right to Life
- Universalis in England
- Youth Ministry Direct
- The Vatican

   GOD BLESS AMERICA

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;
we are perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down,
but not destroyed."
II Corinthians 4:8-9

Important Info On Credit Cards, SS#s Etc. That Are Stolen

GOOD ADVICE:
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card. etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place.
A corporate attorney sent this out to the employees in his company. I pass it along, for your information. We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have firsthand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and within a week the thieve ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more.
But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
BUT HERE'S WHAT IS PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANT:
(I never ever thought to do this)
Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271
We pass along jokes; we pass along just about everything... Do think about passing this information along. It could really help someone.

Prayer For Peace
To Mary, The Light of Hope
Pope John Paul II

“Immaculate Heart of Mary, help us to conquer the menace of evil, which so easily takes root in the hearts of the people of today, and whose immeasurable effects already weigh down upon our modern world and seem to block the paths toward the future.
From famine and war, deliver us.
From nuclear war, from incalculable self-destruction, from every kind of war, deliver us.
From sins against human life from its very beginning, deliver us.
From hatred and from the demeaning of the dignity of the children of God, deliver us.
From every kind of injustice in the life of society, both national and international, deliver us.
From readiness to trample on the commandments of God, deliver us.
From attempts to stifle in human hearts the very truth of Cod, deliver us.
From the loss of awareness of good and evil, deliver us.
From sins against the Holy Spirit, deliver us.
Accept, 0 Mother of Christ,
this cry laden with the sufferings of all individual human beings, laden with the sufferings of whole societies.
Help us with the power of the Holy Spirit conquer all sin: individual sin and the "sin of the world," sin in all its manifestations.
Let there be revealed once more in the history of the world the infinite saving power of the redemption:
the power of merciful love.
May it put a stop to evil.
May it transform consciences.
May your Immaculate Heart reveal for all the light of hope. Amen.”

Muslim, Jewish, Christian Prayer for Peace

“O God, you are the Source of life and peace.
Praised be your name forever.
We know it is you who turn our minds to thoughts of peace.
Hear our grayer in this time of war.
Your power changes hearts.
Muslims, Christians, and Jews remember, and profoundly affirm,
that they are followers of the one God,
children of Abraham, brothers and sisters;
enemies begin to speak to one another;
those who were estranged join hands in friendship;
nations seek the way of peace together.
Strengthen our resolve to give witness to these truths
by the way we live. Give to us:
Understanding that puts an end to strife;
Mercy that quenches hatred, and
Forgiveness that overcomes vengeance.
Empower all people to live in your law of Love. Amen.”

Prayer to Christ the Healer

“In the comfort of your love,
I pour out to you, my Savior, The memories that haunt me,
The anxieties that perplex me, The fears that stifle me,
The sickness that prevails upon me,
And the frustration of all the pain that weaves about within me.
Lord, help me to see your peace in my turmoil,
your compassion in my sorrow,
your forgiveness in my weakness,
And, your love in my need.
Touch me, 0 Lord, with your healing power and strength.”

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